5 Things To Expect When You Date A Confident Girl Who’s Used To Being On Her Own

Sometimes the best type of love is between two people who aren’t really looking for it.

Whether they’re healing or simply focused on themselves first, the relationship is healthy because it’s grounded not on desperation, but true desire.

Both people love one another, not because they feel pushed to, but because they want to.

It’s like this when you date a girl who’s used to being on her own. She’s not focused on you for a central part of her happiness. She’s not relying on you to save her from herself or her pain. Instead, she’s content with herself and her life.

She doesn’t need you, but she wants you. And that’s the difference.

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5 things to expect when you date a girl who’s used to being on her own:

1. She won’t rely on you for every little thing.

A girl who’s used to being on her own won’t rely on you for every little thing. She’s been on her own for so long she’s realized how to fend for herself, and has no qualms about doing so. She’s confident in her decisions and smart in her choices.

It may take her a while to warm up to you and fully trust you, but even when she does, still don’t expect her to lean on you. She’s independent and that’s a beautiful thing.


2. She will be distant sometimes.

It’s not because she doesn’t like you or doesn’t want to get close to you. A girl who’s used to being on her own simply doesn’t consider other’s perspectives before her own, so this will cause her to be distant from time to time.

Don’t take it personally! Understand that this is just how she’s been wired and as your relationships grows, so will her willingness to open up.


3. She might struggle to let you in.

When you date a girl who’s used to being on her own, you have to understand that her independence is her strength. Whether she’s been burned in the past or just comfortable with who she is, she’s going to take a little bit to let you in.

It’s not because of who you are or something you did/didn’t do; it’s simply because she has built her identity in herself and her abilities.

Learning to be vulnerable with someone else is challenging.


4. She’s confident in who she is and not afraid to be herself.

When you date a girl who’s used to being on her own, you have to understand that her self-awareness and identity is stronger than most. She most likely has opinions on things because she’s spent a lot of time deciding who she is and what she believes.

She’s also very confident because she’s made a lot of decisions without influence, so understand that if it seems like she’s ‘stuck’ in her ways, it’s probably just her past.

Don’t try to change her; try to meet her where she is and understand what makers her, her.


5. She not scared to have an opinion.

A girl who’s used to being on her own is probably one of the strongest women you’ll ever meet. She won’t let you walk all over her. She won’t be told what to do. And she won’t be swayed from her perspectives unless there’s a good reason to be.

She’s not bitter or angry; she’s simply self-guided. This is her strength. This is what makes falling in love with her all the more worth it.

You may also like:

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  • 16 Things To Remember When Dating A Strong Woman
  • This Is How You Date A Strong Woman
  • 6 Behaviors A Strong Woman Should Not and Will Not, Put Up With

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How To Make A Lunch Date A Real Date

“Let’s do lunch!”, a catchy phrase, usually indicates a brief interlude and a chat over goat cheese and. But, you have a mad crush on a lovely co-worker.

You two have been bantering and flirting for a while. Maybe you suggested trying the new Thai place down the way for lunch tomorrow, and she’s in agreement.

Sweet. Take it out of the friend-zone and make your casual lunch date count. Guys, get ready to rock the romance at high noon.


Flower Power.

Arrive with at lunch with a single rose hidden behind your back. A tasteful single rose immediately sets a distinctively amorous tone.

Suddenly an ordinary lunch date transforms to special afternoon tete-a-tete. It’s understated, romantic, and whimsical. However, bringing a full bouquet of flowers to a lunch date might be over-doing it.

After all, it is still lunch. The idea is to woo her—not overwhelm her. If she’s not a flower type of girl, offer a little handmade gift, like a drawing of her or maybe a book of her favorite jokes.


Dress to Impress.

That’s key. So on the day of your date, even if it’s Casual Friday, make the extra effort to wear something attractive. A sporty blazer or cardigan over your jeans, with an open-necked shirt, and boots, will catch her attention.

Bring your favorite cologne that day in your briefcase or backpack, and splash a couple of drops over your face and neck in the men‘s room.

She will certainly notice the cool attire. She’ll appreciate that instead of your usual paint-splattered Friday khakis, you dressed up special-for her. Nobody does that for buddy-buddies.


You’re payin‘!

Establish right away that this is not a  “Let’s Go Dutch” or a “Split-The-Check” lunch. Equally important is the language.

Do not say that “this lunch is  on me.” That implies a super casual random event, with which she might feel obligated to reciprocate.

Quickly squash any attempts at quid-pro-quo. You want to set the stage for future dates. As a relationship-building lunch, tell her from the onset that is a date.

For example the phrase, “I’d like to take you out to lunch. Where would you like to go?” or “Let’s make it special for us” demonstrates interest and pursuit.

Presumably, as lunch is progressing in a light romantic manner, ask her on real date. The invitation can be as casual as the lunch.

Hey, how about dinner and movie Saturday night?” or “Want to check out the new Scorsese film? We can have Italian before. I’d love to take you.” Thus, the casual lunch date has opened the way to the real deal.


Let’s get physical!

Combined with good conversation, touch is a significant mood enhancer. Lightly place your hand on the small of her back to gently guide her into the restaurant.

Ask her questions about her life. Make it clear this is not the bait and banter that you do at work or school. You are trying to get to know her a little.

Listen attentively because that’s sexy to a woman. Touch her hand at certain points in the conversation. Check out her body language to ensure she likes the feel of your fingertips on the back of her hand or stroking her palm.

7 Signs Of True Love From A Man

If your man truly loves you, this true love will be reflected in his actions.

The adage “actions speak louder than words” rings truer than ever when it comes to dating and relationships.

Anyone can tell you what you want to hear – but only someone who actually MEANS what they say will make sure their actions back up their words.


7 signs of true love from a man:

1. He includes you in every part of his life.

When a man loves a woman he wants to integrate her into his life, and bring her around his family and friends. He wants them to love you, and for you to love them. He wants you to be an extension of him and include you in important events and milestones.


2. He tries to give more than he takes.

Real love is about giving and contributing to your partner’s life. A man who loves you will give to you in the best ways he knows how. He will care for you, respect you, listen to you, and adore you. He won’t drain your energy or make you feel like giving is only one sided.

Great relationships are not about give and take, they are about give and give.


3. It’s not ‘me’, it’s ‘us’.

You were two separate individuals, but now are a combined team. When a man is in love he will see you as inseparable. This includes when RSVPing to an event, talking about a vacation, or looking into the future,  Where he goes, he wants you to go and vice versa.  It is no longer ‘my life,’ it is ‘our life.’


4. He really sees YOU.

How many people really see you? How many people hear what you’re not saying?

A man who loves you will pay such close attention to you that he will notice details that nobody else does. He will learn what makes you happy, sad, angry, or ecstatic. This awareness will help him love your more. It shows him all the small details he loves about you.


5. Your happiness is his happiness.

When a man truly loves you he shares in your happiness and lends you his strength to ease your pain. Being in love is about being teammates who always supporting each other. A man in love will want to see you happy and work to make it happen.


6. He’s there for you even on the rainy days.

Life is not always sunshine and rainbows. It can be difficult. Any man can stay next to you on the sunny days, but the true test of his love will be during the rainy days.

Does he hold the “umbrella” over you on the rainy days?

There will be challenges, losses, and failures, but the right man will stand in front of you when you need protection, behind you when you need support, and next to you when you need a partner.


7. You will know.

When a man truly loves and cares about you he will make it known. He will put in the effort consistently, and back up his words with actions. You won’t have to wonder about his feelings, he will tell you and show you.

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10 Things Men Hide From Women, That Make Women Love Them More

Men also have their share of secrets that they hide from women. 

As written by a man.

Men aren’t exactly known for being forthcoming.

There’s the stereotype of the stoic cowboy or the tough, quiet manly-man, but the reality is that, more often than not, men aren’t raised to express their feelings. They’re told to suck it up, keep it together, lock it down.

And, while that might make them seem cool and strong to some, what is also means is this — YOUR MAN HAS SECRETS. (He does.) Your man has a vivid internal life that he does not share with others. That doesn’t apply to EVERY man, of course. Some men never stop talking about their inner selves.

But it’s really, really common for men to learn the value of keeping things to themselves at an early age.

They can be small things (“That skirt makes you look like the librarian in Ghost busters”) or big things (“I don’t want to die alone”).

Regardless, most men do have a running list of secrets that they don’t really want to admit to anyone, especially someone they’re falling in love with.

If you’re interested in the secret lives of men, 10 big, common things that your man will probably never, ever tell you.

1. He’s insecure about his body.

He is. Even if he looks like David Beckham.

Men might not always pay attention to their personal hygiene, but that doesn’t mean that he’s not hyper-sensitive about every love handle, wrinkle, or graying hair on his body.

He might wear the same hoodie every day, but he still worries that he’s not as pretty as he once was.


2. He doesn’t have anyone to talk to.

Male friendships are decidedly different than female friendships.

One of the biggest differences is that, typically, men don’t use their friends as a sounding board for what’s going on in their lives. They might discuss vacation plans, TV shows, or how things are going at work, but way too often, men don’t feel comfortable talking with their buddies about life, death, anxiety, fear, and everything in between.

And that’s a shame. It’s a lonely shame.

Keep that in mind the next time your man is struggling to discuss the BIG issues with you. He doesn’t get a lot of practice.


3. He likes The Gilmore Girls.

He does. It’s smart, funny, well-acted.

But there’s WAY more of a social stigma of him being a Gilmore Guy than you being into Sons of Anarchy, so maybe that’s why he doesn’t always advertise that he’s on #TeamJess.


4. No one compliments him.

Men get a lot of validation in school and office settings, but there isn’t really a culture that supports men receiving casual compliments from their peers.

Are you mad that your man didn’t notice your new jeans? When was the last time you noticed his new shirt? Or the last time you told him that he looked great when it wasn’t a special occasion?

Men need the same kind of validation that women need — they’re just not good at asking for it.


5. He doesn’t know what he’s doing during Physical intimacy.

He doesn’t. He’s making it up as he goes. And there’s some pressure there because maintaining an erection isn’t always the easiest thing to do.

Even if the spirit is willing, the flesh can be weak, and that’s a soul-crushingly embarrassing thing to have happen during the throes of passion. (He can’t help it.)

Plus it’s WAY harder to make you orgasm than it is to make him orgasm.

Which, granted, sucks for you, but it just adds to the pressure placed on his shoulders.

What to Do When You Don’t Know Where You Stand In Someone’s Life

No matter how much you like someone, you need to find out where you stand in his/her life before you commit to a relationship.

Wondering if you should walk away or stay? 

It depends.  If you have just met a guy you really like, it takes time to get to know one another.  This is a situation where you stay.  But if you like the guy you’ve been seeing for a while and aren’t sure where you stand, it can be hard to know what to do.

When a guy is not letting you know where you stand or makes himself scarce in your life, it’s understandable to feel confused and frustrated. 

If you’re with a guy like this, don’t place a high value on him and don’t put him on a pedestal.  His actions are telling you that you are not his priority so don’t keep asking him where you stand and where the relationship is going.

Hanging out and hooking up or being in an on-again, off-again situation won’t make him realize how much he wants you in his life.  And giving him an ultimatum may force an outcome that you may not be prepared for.  Instead of taking the above-mentioned actions and setting yourself up for disappointment and heartache, here are some considerations.

What to Do?

Depending on the situation you’re faced with, you will want to respond accordingly.

Situation 1: He doesn’t tell or show you where you stand

When a guy doesn’t tell or show you, he is keeping his options open because he is just not that into you.  He may want you for sex and not much more.  If you have sex with him, once the physical connection wears off, you will feel used and empty afterwards.

What you should do:

Many women stay with a guy hoping the sex will change his mind.  But in the process, they exude an energy of desperation and devalue themselves – reinforcing his desire to keep his options open.

A guy like this isn’t worth your time.  You’re better off cutting ties and being available to meet a man who will tell and show you where you stand.


Situation 2: He tells you he wants you yet shows you otherwise

When a guy tells you that he wants you in his life, and acts like he sometimes does and sometimes doesn’t, his actions are telling you that he isn’t able or willing to fully commit to taking your relationship to the next level.

While he may like you, he values his freedom more.  And if he still hasn’t healed from a previous relationship, there are issues for him to work through so that he can be ready for a new relationship.

What you should do:

Don’t try to do or be more in hopes that he will come around.  If you try to fix things about him and help him heal, you will most likely be disappointed.  He is on his own path in life with his own lessons to learn in his own time.  Let him go and learn his own lessons.

Chronic Stonewalling Imprisons a Relationship

Stonewalling is a warning sign that your relationship is ailing.

Have you ever watched a child try to get attention from their mom or dad?
“Pay attention to me.”
“Look at me.”
“Mommy, daddy, watch me.”

But what happens if the child’s attachment figure is unavailable and unresponsive? The child will experience distress.

It doesn’t matter if you are 5 months old or 45 years. There are still two basic responses to an unavailable attachment figure.

When our romantic partner is unresponsive and unavailable, we protest. We act like an infant banging a rattle on the side of the crib. We make as much noise as possible to try and get attention. As adults, we do this by becoming critical, or we make excessive attempts to reestablish a connection.

And if the consistent response is being ignored or dismissed, the child curls up into a ball and hides in the corner. As an adult, we will stop fighting for emotional connection and give up on the relationship altogether.

Despair has set in.

A couple was asked to demonstrate this scenario by having one partner intentionally be unresponsive.

Here’s what it looked like:

  • Angela: Hey. Hey. [Looking at her partner, trying to get his attention]
  • Brendan: [On his phone, not looking at her at all]
  • Angela: Hey, I have something I want to talk about. Um, something at work… are you listening? Hey, babe. Love? I’m super upset about something at work and need to talk to you. I can text you. Are you on Facebook? [Touches his back and sighs heavily]
  • Brendan: [Continues to look at his phone and is unresponsive]
  • Angela: Hey

This occurred in about 10 seconds. At the end of the demonstration, here is what Angela said when she was asked what she noticed in her body.

Angela: I… um… felt a lot of tension. I was frantic. Panicky. I became super anxious, even though I knew this was an exercise. And towards the end I just felt helpless.

This prolonged sense of turning away is what Dr. Gottman calls Stonewalling.

Avoiding Conflict

Everyone withdraws from a relationship when we are feeling hurt, or fearful of saying the wrong thing. This pause allows us to get creative about how to solve the problem.

But consistent withdrawal is toxic. Most romantic partners do not understand the profound impact distancing has on a bond.

Greg: “I don’t get why she is so pissed with me. I wish I could just shrug off her blaming, but I can’t. I need time to recover. Why doesn’t she get that?”

While Greg is being honest about the internal world of a stonewaller, he also neglects to mention one important fact: that he never wants to resume the discussion, because the emotions he feels are too overwhelming.

If either spouse refuses to communicate when conflict arises, it can be hard to heal a marriage. – Dr. Gottman

The 3 Relationship Poisons and Their Antidotes

Beware the 3 Relationship Poisons!

Many poisonous relationship habits are being baked in our culture and that exactly is the problem.

Linda: In the Buddhist tradition, there is an image known as the wheel of samsara. That wheel is a symbol of the cycle of conditions that go round and round and round.

What the Buddhists say drives the wheel to spin continuously, they call the three poisons:

  • craving (greed), 
  • aversion (hatred) and
  • ignorance (delusion)

And poisons they truly are because they pollute our mind. If we don’t cleanse ourselves of their effects, they can destroy our relationships.

Craving shows up as demands. Our normal desires to be close can morph into clinging too tightly to our partner. Our ideas and vision for how we want our partnership to be can become encrusted and rigid if we hold too tightly to them. This is not wholesome desire; this is desire driven by attachment.

Our greed can push us to attempt to control our partner towards goals that may not be their goals. We are preoccupied with obsessively striving towards the goals we think we must have to be O.K. in the future. While we are coercing our partner to achieve with us that striving prohibits us from enjoying what we have right now.

Aversion comes in the form of resistance, anger, defensiveness, resentment, rage intolerance, hatred, fear, being pushy, controlling, and bullying.We can start to see our partner as an enemy rather than a friend and ally. Instead of drawing our partner more closely to us, our judgmental attitude breeds chronic conflict that pushes them away.

Ignorance shows up as being distracted, spaced out, confused, preoccupied and lacking in being present. By not realizing how crucially important tending to our partnership actually is, other things in our life take the priority position.

Common examples are: work, kids, addictions (alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, eating) social media, video games, and even meditation.


What is your growing edge?

When considering the three poisons, we may come to the conclusion that we need to do work in all three areas, but there is usually one that stands out. When we identify the one that needs the most attention, that is our personal work to do to evolve.

No matter which poison represents our growing edge, the same remedy applies to each one.

First Step: Mindfulness:

The way to cleanse ourselves is to first bring the poison up out of the unconscious mind through non-judgmental awareness. Once we come to understand how much pain these poisonous patterns cause to ourselves and to those around us, we can’t continue to create such suffering any longer.

Second Step: Finding Motivation:

It is only when we become aware of the price that we pay for being exposed to these potent toxins can we find the motivation to cultivate healthy patterns. As we are about to speak or behave from our unconscious patterns, we are empowered to make different choices. Then we begin to recover. As the Buddhists say, “the obstacles become the path.”

Third Step: Substituting Skillful Patterns:

Once again, the same rules apply to heal any of the poisons. By cultivating alternative ways of being, such as generosity, gratitude, equanimity, compassion, and loving kindness, the relationship will begin to become more trust-filled and harmonious. When wisdom begins to take the place of the contaminating influences, the ultimate result is a deeply fulfilling relationship.


Related Video: 6 Early Red Flags of a Toxic Relationship

Written by Linda and Charlie Bloom
Originally appeared on PsychologyToday

You may also like:

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  • Leaving A Toxic Relationship Is Hard, But These 6 Steps Make It Easier
  • Toxic Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Normal
  • 3 Signs The Toxic People In Your Life Might Actually Be Adding to Your Relationship Problems
  • Is Your Relationship Toxic? Common Red Flags and What To Do

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Why The Love Of Your Life Comes After The Mistake Of Your Life

They say you have to date a few wrong ones before you meet the right one.

Well, at least that’s what I’ve believed (and learned) in love.

For the longest time, I was devoting all my time and attention to the wrong people. I was loving men who didn’t really care about me, weren’t sure they wanted to stay. I’ve been told that the love of your love comes after the mistake of your life, and honestly, that’s really true.

You spend so much time and effort trying to make a relationship work only to realize that the person you gave your heart to isn’t interested in being with you for the long term. You pour yourself out, thinking you’ve found ‘the one,’ only to find you are a temporary person in their eyes.

And that heartbreak—it hurts like hell.


The beautiful thing about love, though, is that it’s so simple when you finally find the right person.

When you finally find the love of your life, you realize why it didn’t work out with those prior people. You begin to understand that the pain and heartache is all worth it, to finally find yourself in the right one’s arms.

And although it hurt and was a deeply messy journey, you appreciate the times you kissed the wrong lips, fell into the wrong arms, and spun yourself in circles trying to please the wrong person. Because it led you to where you are. Right here, right now.


Honestly, you find the love of your life when you’re not really looking.

Sometimes you find love in the moments after a breakup when you’re still healing. Sometimes it’s in the simple moments where you’re working on yourself and love is the last thing on your mind.

You’ve distracted yourself with other obligations—you aren’t in desperate need for love, and honestly, that’s why you happen upon it.

After being broken by the wrong one, after being mistreated or abused, after losing ourselves, we realize that our worth is not dependent upon our relationship. So we focus on putting ourselves first. And that’s when the right person happens along our path—not because we were searching for him or her, but because it’s finally the right time.


Love come to us when we finally stop worrying about the timing, the ‘ifs’ and the ‘whens’ and let it naturally find us, right where we are.

It’s been said that the love of your life comes after the mistake of your life and I can’t help but believe that’s true. After we love the wrong person, we’re focused on ourselves. We’re confident in what we want and how to choose the next person we want to let in. We’re no longer angry, but looking to become better people.

And that’s when the right person comes in and softens our heart. That’s when love finds a way into our souls and reminds us that we’re so worthy of it.

That’s when we let go of the past and understand that the wrong people don’t define us or our ability to love again. And so we step forward, we trust, and we let ourselves love and be loved by the right people—the ones we should have been with all along.

Related Video: We Fall In Love With 3 People In Our Lifetime – Each One for a Specific Reason.

You may also like:

  • 6 Signs You Are About To Meet The Love Of Your Life (According to The Law of Attraction)
  • The Impact of First Love on Your Life and Future Relationships
  • 5 Types of Soulmates You’ll Meet and Love At Least Once In Your Life.
  • 8 Signs She’s The One For You
  • The Hardest Love To Let Go Of Is The One That Was Never Actually Ours

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7 Reasons Why You Should Never Fall Into an Instant Relationship

Once in a while you meet people with whom your chemistry sparks instantly, making you feel all giddy!

In a society where people couple up and being single can be a stigma, falling into an instant relationship is tempting and easy.  The rush that comes from being in an instant relationship may make you feel flattered.

After all, what’s not to like about a guy who seems to want you?

But when the rush wears off, you may be left wondering if you moved too fast into something that isn’t quite right for you.


How I found myself in an instant relationship

At 30 years old, I accidentally fell into an instant relationship – accidentally because I didn’t know that’s what I was doing.

After being in an on-again, off-again relationship for 7 years, then being let down by a guy I was infatuated with, and having a dry spell with my dating life, I was wanting to be in a relationship.

I met Him while I was living in Kansas City, MO.  He recently moved to the area and didn’t know anyone there.  When He showed up in my life, we became an instant couple.  He moved in with me shortly after and we spent most of our time together.

Because things moved so fast, I didn’t see things for what they were.  And since I was flattered by the attention he gave me, I overlooked some big red flags.

9 months later, a job promotion brought me to southern California and he decided to move with me.  A few months into our move, I went from being flattered to freaking out inside because the Ooh Ah phase of our relationship had worn off to reveal his dark side (and mine too).

When the “ooh ah” phase wore off, instead of seeing the signs, I kept hoping things would change for the better.  I gave his bad moods the benefit of the doubt, thinking the transition was difficult for him since he didn’t know anyone in southern California and was stressed from starting a new business.

My benefit of the doubt and wishful thinking kept me in a 5-year relationship that should have only lasted a year.  In hindsight, I should have seen things for what they were and learned these lessons.


 7 things I learned (and you should too) from being in an instant relationship

  1. Instant relationships can take minutes to get into and years to get out of.
  2. Instant relationships tend to be more about convenience.  Because we’re looking for someone right here and now, they increase the possibility to be with someone who isn’t right for you.
  3. Instant relationships take us further away from what we truly desire – every moment we spend with the wrong guy keeps the right guys from showing up in our lives.
  4. Instant relationships are about short-term gratification.  They are not the way to a happy and lasting relationship.
  5. Being in an instant relationship doesn’t let us see things clearly.  We miss red flags and critical issues essential to a thriving relationship.
  6. The undercurrent of desperation is a central theme since we’re in an instant relationship because we don’t like being alone, we’re lonely, miss being in a relationship, etc.
  7. Because we tend to be more desperate, we do things to try and please the other person at the expense of our own happiness.
  8. Instant relationships cause us to try and make what’s not working work, when we should be letting go of a relationship that was never meant to be for the long term.


How to avoid being in an instant relationship

Don’t let loneliness, your biological clock, or pressure from friends and family cause you to fall into an instant relationship.

Here’s what you can do instead:

  • Set the pace by taking the time to learn about each other.
  • Don’t spend all of your time together from the start.
  • Maintain your own life by doing things you love, meeting up with friends, spending time with family, etc.
  • Share yourself slowly and don’t rush into sex.
  • Don’t try and control or manipulate things. Let things unfold naturally.
  • Check in with how your body feels instead of talking yourself into something that doesn’t feel right.

The next time you find yourself rushing or being rushed into a relationship, take a step back instead of moving forward with full force.  If you desire a committed relationship, taking your time isn’t going to stop a real and lasting connection from developing if things are meant to be.

What To Do When Boundaries Are Crossed In Marriage

Marriage is long and difficult and when boundaries are crossed in marriage it can be disastrous.

A vital part of marriage is trust and when established boundaries are violated a marriage can breakdown.

So, it’s very important that, when boundaries have been crossed, it is dealt with right away.

How? Let me help.


#1 – Acknowledgement.

When boundaries have been crossed in marriage, it is essential that both parties acknowledge that the boundaries have been crossed. Unless there is agreement that the boundaries have been violated there is no way to begin the healing process.

A client’s husband had violated their ‘no mid-week drinking’ boundary. They had both realized that when they drank wine after work their parenting skills around bedtime suffered. So, they agreed to abstain. When her husband came home one night smelling of beer, she was very upset because they had an agreement and he had broken it.

Her husband pushed back at first, justifying his behavior, but then he acknowledged that he had violated their agreement. With that mutual understanding, their healing could begin.

#2 – Conversation.

An essential part of healing when boundaries are crossed in marriage is conversation.

I believe that conversation is essential to any healthy relationship and when boundaries have been crossed especially so.

For my client and her husband, it was very important that they revisit why they had set the boundary in the first place, why he had crossed the boundary and what next steps they should take around the boundary.

They agreed that the boundary had been set in place for the sake of their children. He explained that he drank because he had a work dinner and he wanted to make his client feel comfortable but knew that he had crossed their established boundary nonetheless. She expressed her disappointment in the fact that he hadn’t kept his word and that he had been a little bit out of it during the kids bedtime routine.

Each of them were able to speak their piece, know they had been heard, and get ready to take steps for figuring out resolution.

So, a key part of surviving boundaries being crossed in marriage is talking about it! Without conversation, moving forward is impossible.

#3 – Resolution.

Once my client and her husband had spoken their piece, they set out to figure out what they should do about the existing boundary. Did they feel like it was a boundary they should maintain or one that needed reconsideration? They wanted to make sure that both of them felt comfortable with the boundary because they knew that a healthy marriage was based on mutually agreed upon boundaries.

After some discussion, they agreed that the boundary was important and that it should stay in place and that, if another work dinner arose, they would address that situation when it came.

It is important, when trying to figure how to fix things when boundaries are crossed in marriage, to work together to identify what can be done to come to terms with what was done and to make a plan for moving forward.

#4 – Benchmarks.

After conversation and resolution, the next step to managing boundaries is by setting benchmarks.

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